I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
