i'm signing you up for texting rehab
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
