Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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