omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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