She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
