I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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