He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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