FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I think I sprained my soul last night
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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