i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
