I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
