We won't sleep together?
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
