Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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