planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
