Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
