Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
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