Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
