There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
