4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
