I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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