yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
