my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
