Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
