we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
