guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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