last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Ladies don't puke and tell
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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