That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
