I just pynch a tree in the face
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you win again, gameday.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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