just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
