HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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