Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
