Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Randomize
