i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
