remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
