I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
