Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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