dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
