the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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