i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
