Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I deserve this hangover.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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