I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
This baby is an asshole
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
