I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
