last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
