there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
