hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
