she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
