Already got asked if we're dating
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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