Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
