All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
