Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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