she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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